who cares

you can read this. i want you to.

 'are you on crack, don?'  -moses.

god bless don miller.

posted by: monsoon at 11:17 | link | comments (2) |

i said i keep telling myself that i don't have to change the world to be a good person. because i do want to change the world. i'm probably not going to. saving the world isn't the most profitable business these days, or so my dad seems to keep reminding me. but she said, well if you want to change the world, then go try to change the world. nothing wrong with that. what? why didn't i think of that? it all just seems too drop-in-the-ocean. i realised today that i'm not lonely anymore. don't know when it happened. how. but that pull, that neediness. insecurity. i went to church one sunday morning, a while ago, before anyone else got there. ken(pastor) said to me how you doing? fine i said. and as he walked away i started to cry. i wanted to run and grab his arm and say why won't you just read my mind? ask me again. i tried to send him telepathic signals. ask me again. just once more. are you sure? that's all i wanted. i wanted so bad to tell him just how fucking far away from fine i was. how i was going crazy. how lonely i was. pathetic for feeling lonely. pathetic for feeling pathetic. i wanted him to turn around and see me crying. to cancel the service that was going to start in fifteen minutes and take me into his office and sip tea while i told him about the stupid internal chasm i was falling into and how i was too afraid to scream for help. but he didn't. i wanted his sermon to speak to me. i wanted god to whisper to his heart to say something that would help me. but he didn't. god didn't either. he hardly ever does when you think he should. how can you be so afraid to become vulnerable and at the same time want more than anything for someone to give you the chance to open yourself up to them? gotta go.

posted by: monsoon at 11:30 | link | comments (1) |

 i forgot how depressing it is to not get any comments.

posted by: monsoon at 22:32 | link | comments (7) |

poof says the ducky
he needs his saratonin
to stop the raging

posted by: monsoon at 22:22 | link | comments |

it's all light right now. all weightless and waiting for tomorrow. that's when i'll get started. i'll be gay tomorrow. i'll be skinny tomorrow. i'll make friends tomorrow. i don't need any of that now. now, i'm just here. just here.

"how many times do i have to tell you? i'll do it tomorrow!" -the shitty mom in gracie's choice.

i think if i go to college next year i'm just going to wither up and die. do you ever feel that way? about anything. like if i stop moving for too long (which i already have), i just won't ever be able to move again. people will see me, a huge backpack over my shoulder, frozen in the chair of some sociology classroom. drooling. they'll knock on my forhead and it'll make little "dink dink" noises, like on a glass tv screen. "got another code purplish beige here, fellas!" the security guy will yell. and they'll haul me off and give me lots of acid and cold pizza with ranch dressing, and send me off to backpack through europe. you know? or is that just me.

is it bad that i've only been a christian a year and a half and i'm already sick of christianity? i walk into a christian bookstore and they're selling sixty dollar bibles and fleece travel blankets with john 3:16 printed on them, and i want to find the manager and spew all over him. okay maybe not spew. but you know. teenagers all want to change the world, right? just because i have this burning passion about something, doesn't really mean anything. it's just a phase. sigh.

posted by: monsoon at 21:21 | link | comments (1) |

I went all over to try and start a blog some where else. i don't know, i guess i just wanted to make a clean sweep of it.



but they all suck.



motime's like a coffee shop i used to go to all the time and it's all familiar, even though there's different art on the walls.



really thay all suck. appreciate your motime.



so hello again.

posted by: monsoon at 17:40 | link | comments |