who cares

you can read this. i want you to.

i need to find jesus.  i don't get him.  he just doesn't make sense.  he doesn't fit.

"fit, dammit.  - a 2 year old thinks while trying to fit  a cube through the round hole.  this, coincidentally, is how i feel.

me - "where's jesus?"

"you can find him here. . . "  *points at my collar bone*

me - "um."

"he lives in youuuuuuu. . ." fade to a field with a deer frollicking in it.

 

i'm getting used to it being just me and god.  not like, just me and god.  i know other people, i mean.  but most of the time, i'm alone, and it's just me and god.  something happens to me, and no one knows, just him.  i'm getting used to him being the one who knows everything about me.  getting used to the idea that he's the one i need.  it's kind of nice. 

went to see the dresden dolls tuesday night.  they were about to come on the stage and i was thinking, in a second, that voice is going to come on stage and materialize into a real person.  it blew my mind.  i almost couldn't handle it.  i was sick with anticipation.  like when you watch some one doing something really complicated, and you want so badly for them to succeed, it feels so difficult to even think about it, you have to remind yourself they're the ones who have to do it.  not you.  maybe that's just me.  anyway.  i didn't know what to do with it.  i was so intensely concentrated on her.  and then, there she was.  and she was fucking ethereal.  and she sang 'i wanna' over and over and her voice cracked and she screamed and pounded on her piano and it was the most sexual thing i'd ever seen in my life.  they're going to get really famouse soon and the next time i get to go see them it's going to cost me 30 dollars, which kind sucks for me but kudos to them.  it's so quiet here now.  quiet voices drifting from behind shelves, and the sound of keyboards, and i can't even bring back the night in my mind.  not the way i want to.  no one knows me.  no one knows that i'm drawn to rebellion and noise.  they don't know that i've started smoking again, and i get some kind of sick satisfaction out of it.  i'm so fucking cumforting and i want to know how she is, what's going on in her life, and she tells me.   and i'm supportive and give wholesome advice and she doesn't even notice that she knows absolutely nothing about me. 

end rant.

posted by: monsoon at 14:58 | link | comments (1) |

should start writing in here.  mm hmm.  i went to lunch today.  i got to get a little christian on myself, and it was extremely fun.  we laughed about our own misconceptions and shook our fists at the misconceptions of others and i learned things i never knew before.  it feels so good to let yourself show.  no matter how little of yourself you're showing.  it feels good.  I'm slowly becoming more comfortable with god.  slowly realizing how much cooler god is than christianity. 

i got the greatest compliment of my life.  well.  one of two.

1.  in ninth grade my friend said he thought it was great how i was nice to every one, but i hated seeing other people being mean, and that was the only time i ever got mad at anyone.  which, actually, is still true.

2.  she said that she was telling some one else that she loves me because i break down christian stereotypes for her.  i don't fit into anyone's boxes.  i tried not to grin too stupidly for too long.

because this has sort of been my goal in christianity.  to find the truth for myself.  at every turn and every nudge, i'm questioning.  i don't want to be brainwashed.  am i questioning this relationship because i've been told my whole life that homosexuality is wrong, or because god really doesn't want me to be together with this person?  is the family guy really going to hinder my walk with christ?

i really dislike that phrase.  by the way.  walk with christ.  so, that was a joke.  in case you didn't gather.

um.

posted by: monsoon at 18:47 | link | comments |

howard!  yey!

posted by: monsoon at 11:00 | link | comments (1) |