who cares

you can read this. i want you to.

i need to stop cussing. it doesn't look good.  i just read that last post, and.  well i cussed.  and i don't like it.  i guess i don't really care about cussing.  but i should probably stop anyway.  for all those people who do care.  i don't know.  not in a comfomative way.  but in a respectful kind of way.

i went to this huge christian music festival this weekend.  three days long.  the worship was amazing.  worship is always amazing, but i've never been to a worship concert before.  and i got to go to like fifteen in three days.

but as i walked around and the little food stands sold smoothies in the 97 degree heat for 4 dollars, i wondered.  and i wondered at all the t-shirts and trinkets and little fish symbols all over everything.  i understand a necklace.  i wear a fish necklace to identify myself.  to sort of represent my god.  but when the cross is made of 14 karot gold, or the fish is on a trucker hat or a purse or a blanket.  we're shameless.  i felt like i was in the temple and i should start knocking things over.

anyway. 

posted by: monsoon at 19:44 | link | comments |

i know she's at soccer camp.  i know she has to shower with these girls and share rooms with them for a week.  but it still hurts when i hear her take her mouth away from the phone and say 'no, i'm just talking to my friend.'  it still kills me that when i go to visit, finally, i can't touch her. 

i hate how people are grossed out by us.  i hate that more than anything.  i hate when people say 'now i don't need details' and laugh, when i say that we were together.  well excuse me, but fuck if i like the image of you making out with some guy.  but i deal with it, don't i?  i listen and i don't mind, because that's who you are, even though it's not who i am.  but they expect it to just be normal to me.  well it's stopped being normal.  i have a girlfriend, and i make out with her.  deal with it, okay?  because that's my normal.  i need some gay friends.  like now and bad.  all this straightness and watching myself all the time is getting to me.  i feel like i'm contaminated.  like i can't touch anyone.  and i can't talk to anyone. 

sometimes i want to just be able to say a girl is hot.  and i can't.  because then people remember that i'm gay.  and i need them to forget because if they forget maybe i can stop thinking so much about where my hands are all the time and how much i compliment people.  maybe it's in my head.  they're so good about it and understanding but i know that they want to forget it too.  they don't want to hear about it.    they don't want to see it take shape.  in the form of a girl.

it would be so convenient if i was beautiful.  it would be so convenient if i was straight.

posted by: monsoon at 14:19 | link | comments (3) |

finished harry potter six on monday night. 

'you may come with me on one condition: that you promise to obey any command i might give you at once and without question'  -dumbledore to harry potter.  okay well it was something close to that, i think, anyway. 

to this harry responds 'of course,'  but has to be reminded a good three or four times of his promise throughout the outing he's allowed to go on with dumbledore, by making it.

it's so easy to make promises.

look at me, comparing harry potter to my spiritual life.  what a geek.  but i suppose i am.  i love harry potter.

i pray all the time lately.  i'm having to relearn how to apply god to everything.  to turn thinking into praying.  there's a little bay close to where i live, with all these little 20 foot stretches of rocky beaches at the end of each street.  i go and sit at  midnight and listen to the waves and the sounds of kids wandering around the streets being obnoxious, drinking various flavored coffee drinks.  there's a coffee shop near there that's open until midnight.  and it's the most peaceful thing in the world.  just sitting in silence except the waves and distant kids and thinking to god.  it gives so much depth to me and to my life and to the world.  being able to sit and do absolutely nothing for hours.

i've realized recently that i love being who i am.  and even more recently realized how lucky i am.  i can't help it.  it's not in a coneited way, i love every one else too.  i just enjoy being myself.  and that's god.  and i appreciate it.  that i tried to do it myself and it couldn't happen.  and all of a sudden i realize that i am content.

posted by: monsoon at 09:23 | link | comments |

on homophobia.  mine and everyone else's.

i don't care what people think.  i really don't.  i really could not care less if people knew i was gay.  but i'm afraid of hate.  i can't tell my dad because he would disown me.  i would love to be able to tell him, but i can't.  he thought he found out, and he kicked me out, twice.  and i lied until i was blue in the face and on those grounds alone have i managed to scrounge up some kind of surfaced, shallow relationship with him.

i've been on the recieving end of homophobic hate before.  it's scary crap.  people die over this.  i'm so glad i'm not a guy.  i have more respect for any out-and-proud gay male that i can possibly even express.

posted by: monsoon at 12:50 | link | comments (1) |

london.  holy crap.  i just heard from a friend who heard from a friend who's in germany.  far be it from america tell me there's been a terrorist attack on the capital of the britain when i've had the tv on all morning.  i don't like anything right now.  now's a time when i really need to go pump out some things that make me happy.  i don't know if i can.  god.  i don't think i even belong in this world.  i, can't even. 

posted by: monsoon at 13:09 | link | comments |

my friend and i went to san francisco yesterday.  we wandered down haight street, arm in arm, laughing at how gay we must have looked.  she's smaller than me and it felt good to act the guy.  opening doors for her, placing myself between her and the bums, holding her bag.  i don't know.

posted by: monsoon at 00:58 | link | comments |

mm.  i'm going to shave my head.

posted by: monsoon at 08:11 | link | comments (2) |

she's sitting across the booth from me a denny's.  it's one in the morning and she's asking for me to approve of him.  her new boyfriend.  and i'm telling her please, please, don't settle.  i'm telling her she doesn't have to.  i want to tell her how beautiful she is.  i want to tell her that if she's going to insist on being straight she could at least not torture me by going out with shitbag guys.  i want to tell her she deserves the best guy in the world because she's perfect, but i won't.  because i'm gay so that stuff isn't really appropriate.  even though it's true.  i'm too effing vulnerable.  too sentimental.  too innocent.  i give up.  denise this isn't you.

posted by: monsoon at 01:50 | link | comments (1) |