you can read this. i want you to.
i've been so busy. the city's grey and red, and it's mine now. got a room. no internet. here, on the internet in the school library. shh.
I finished my first ever homework assignment for college today. heck yes. i am so going to kick college's butt. so.
i've also realized two very important things about myself today that i suspected, but never could bring myself to admit until now.
1. i am absolutely incapable of doing any kind of productive academic or artistic work at home.
2. i have to take notes when i'm reading in order to actually comprehend and fully understand any even remotely complicated text.
and i feel two different ways about these realizations.
1. it's annoying that i have to always go some place to work, and that i have to take notes when i'm reading.
2. thank god (seriously, thank you, jesus) that i figured this out about myself in my first week of school.
i was beginning to think that there was something wrong with me, and i was also about to spend a long time wondering why i couldn't get anything done or understand anything i was reading.
please, please... let my english professor like me.
i went to see wicked today. the clevernesss just pounded at me and i could hardly take it. the cleverness, that is. i effing love broadway. like, the fact that i get to just sit there and watch a bunch of other people bein so energetic. more energetic than i can ever call myself to be in any part of my life, and they manage to tap into it twice a night. i love it.
when we came out onto market street afterwards, there were three men singing in the street. old black men and they were clapping and dancing and stomping their feet, and singing praise songs a cappella outside of the theatre. and i thought that that was faith. i felt humbled by them. in my stupid casual theatre dress attire. having just gone to a show that my mom had paid way to much for to get way too good a seats in, and then having bought a thoroughly overpriced t-shirt with a little wicked symbol on it. i hoped they didn't think too poorly of me. i hoped they could see that i understood them differently than everyone else, even though i looked exactly the same.
i feel a little like my heart's been ripped out today. i feel emo. it feels good, this raw emotion, driving me to listen to depressing music and lie around doing nothing and feeling sorry for myself. could this be love? i can't remember if this was what it felt like. this feeling of having no abdominal organs when she tells me about the kiss. the one that wasn't with me. the feeling like. like i'm slipping through the floor. i want to just dissappear so she won't be able to see my face, because i know it's betraying me, when i'm trying so hard to just say the normal friend-ish things. neutral, neutral. say something, anything. stop looking at the ground.
what's happening to me? where did all this emotion come from?
i start school in two days. it's suddenly not such a big deal to me. like, the motions, to get some where else. still haven't found a house.
how can everything be so beautiful? how can i breathe? how can i possibly exist in this perfection? the balance of everything. it's too much. it's too amazing. i feel like the world has such depth and vividity. i'm in awe. i'm amazed by the complexity of a single human. i'm talking to this girl who i've met once and briefly. but i stay up and i talk to her for hours, all night, until i'm afraid the sun will rise and i won't have slept. and she's a poem that i have to decifer. her words and her contentions are so beautiful. her anger and her passion. why does it seem that males are incapable of beautiful words? of beautiful ideas. some one needs to come prove me wrong, please. i'm losing all hope in your gender, but it's not my fault. you're very badly represented. represent, foo.
i need to get out of here. the world is too beautiful for me to keep watching it from this safety.
i spent two hours with god tonight. this may not seem like much, considering i know people who spend a solid 48 hours in silence with him once a month. i am so not hardcore like that, yet. but i always think it would be nice to just spend two hours with god. not necessarily in silence, but without any un-god-related destractions. i hadn't really been able to do it. but tonight i went to my coffee shop and sat and read a little, wrote a little, thought a lot, prayed a lot. and when i got in my car to go home i checked the time and it was 9:00, and i'd gotten there at 7. two hours was like this time that i'd sort of idealized. it would be great if i could just spend two hours with god. and i did it. i'm not like, proud of myself. not exactly. i'm just, content. pleased. glad that god felt like talking with me for two whole hours.
i've realized that i try to keep him in the places where i pray. i think it's good to set aside time to talk to him, and even a certain place that i find i can talk to him best and without distractions, but i ccan't look to that place and those times to find him and all the answers. i've been feeling really empty lately, and very off track. and i was thinking today, i need to go spend some time with god at the beach tonight, which is sort of my deep prayer spot. i didn't even end up walking down there, i stayed just up the street at my cafe, but i was reading a little from this book i've had for a while but never got around to reading. and it said at one point, in fact i think i had even read this part before and was just rereading the beginning, that god will come to you at the most random times, when you're not even trying very hard to feel him. he doesn't want to be put in a box, so he's going to play a little cat and mouse. i've created this routine. try to think about god throughout the day, and then every few days spend some time at the beach in prayer, get back on track and then for three days drift back away from him. but he's not at that beach, or even in my praying time. he's not going to let me get comfortable in a routine where i can go get him whenever i feel spiritually low.
it's one of those things that i've heard all my life. you can't put god in a box. and i'm like yeah, i know, hurry up and play the worship. like, jesus loves you. like, jesus died for your sins. i'm angry at the overuse of frases like that, because now i have so much trouble comprehending them. of realizing that it's true.
this is a test. trying to fook with my template, and i havn't done this in about a year so i'm having some problems.
This is for my motime buddy Randis. I love these things, secretly.
3 Things
THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
(I'm really going to do this on the opposite sex)
THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION TRAVEL:
I'd like to call it traveling too, if that's okay.
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
THREE WAYS I AM STEREOTYPICALLY A MAN WOMAN:
Am I supposed to change this to woman? Well, I'm going to, and you can just deal with it.
THREE WAYS I AM STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY GIRL:
THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS QUIZ:
i'm so sick of
myself. and everything. i'm so empty. so... devoid of, that depth. that depth that i worked so hard for and cherish so and know that so many people covet. damn my hormones. damn my fear of consequence and commitment. i'm so afraid. i realized recently that i'm a horrible person and an absolute ass to god. i do the same stupid things over and over. when i think i've come so far and gone through so much. and i really havn't. i'm really just the same idiot i was before, but listening to worship music. reading the bible. away from people.
i felt filthy for the first time in my life this weekend. completely covered in filth, dripping with it. i've believed in god my entire life, and been a christian for almost two years, and i'd never grasped the concept of shame before god, and then grace. and i am all over the shame thing, here. i completely suck. i'm stumbling along, trying to do what god wants me to do, and i cling to these huge rocks and i trip and i bash myself against every three dimensional object within sight. i know that there is a god. so why, in my awareness of his existance and infinite wisdon and omnipotnce, can't i just, drop it? just, let it all slip away from me?
i am such a loser. but it's okay.
god friggen loves me. i wish everyone could feel him like i can sometimes. i wish they could feel the completeness, and then they'd recognize the absence of it they'd been living in before. i'm not one to try and convert people. i don't think god judges souls by whether or not i manage to get them to pray the sinners prayer or not. but it's just so amazing. i just want everyone to know what it can be like. how beautiful life can be, and how perfect everything is. and now i've lost that completness again, but i know he's there.
'for i am convinced that neither height nor depth, neither angels nor demons, neither the past nor the present, nor anything in all of creation can seperate me from the love of god that is in christ jesus our lord.' (or something. that was from memory and i suck at memorization) -paul
Name: spike farley
i am a small gay vegitarian christian. i have a saving the world complex. i like slimey things like gak and those stretchy hands you get from gumball machines that stick to everything. i stick to everything.
Mo'nonymous on Yes. I'm in Portlan...
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