who cares

you can read this. i want you to.

i'm using the internet in a coffee shop. i feel so high tech. computer savvy. i'm so out of place. i'm using the internet in a coffee shop because i can't go back to san francisco, can't go back to my mom's house. i just kind of float around, lately. i feel like i'm dreaming. a drifter,or something.

i talk to beth all night again. it's unnerving if i don't. i don't know why. how long have i known her? a month, maybe. and i don't ever feel completely at rest unless i'm talking to her. even in my most calm moments, i'm waiting for night to fall so i can go find her. i absolutely cannot be doing this. i just... can't.  i need to unnattatch myself, and fast. i know she could just, slip through my fingers at any moment. and if she does, the pain would be my own fault, because she warned me. what will happen when i see her? i haven't seen her since that night, when she was just a stranger. such an odd situation. mm. banana bread.

last night i went to a quikie mart, to get some soda.  the clerk eyed me.  a little asian man.  he tried to grab my hand when i paid him.  i wanted to mase him, but decided the more practical thing to do was scowl at him and be generally rude, look at him like a piece of filth, and leave without wishing anyone a good evening, thank you very much.  after living in the city, when i come back here and things like that happen, it's no big deal.  i had to out manuver a hobo for four blocks the other day.  last night, i wanted to spit in his face and tell him he's not worth my thoughts.

this sign is posted above the drivers seat of all transit in san francisco.  the first time i saw it, though, i thought it was a safety precaution to passengers.  i don't doubt it has a double meaning.

posted by: monsoon at 14:34 | link | comments (1) |

I’m so tired. I need to work out some kind of sleeping pattern. Lately I just sleep whenever I can find time. Today I slept from 7:30am to 10am, and then from 3pm to5pm. I don’t know, that can’t be healthy. Really need to work on that. I feel so cut off from the world without internet in my house. I’m writing this now on word and I’m going to post it later when I get a chance I’m not sure I really like being on my own yet. Especially since I just don’t like this house I have. It would be so easy to just stay with my mom and go to the local community college like every one else. I’d know people there, I’d have way more money. There would just be so much less stress. I’m so agitated here. I get hit with anxiety here and I’m just… lonely. It has helped tremendously with my paranoia about being alone. I’m okay when I’m alone, I can manage. But, this just isn’t really necessary right now, not when I could stay at home and be so much for comfortable. I hate running. Even if I’m not, I hate feeling like I’m running. To comfort. I hate needing comfort. I try to talk to god here, but it’s hard. I have to remind myself to think to him all the time. Everything is so thick with fear and distrust here. It’s hard to remember that he’s been here all along. Before I was ever here or knew about this place or even existed. I guess, I need to remember that he’s in control, in whatever form. I’m not sure I even know what I believe in that sense but I know that in the end, he is, and I’m so completely not. I hate not being in control, but really, I’d rather have him be the one who can be. He’s much more capable. Have to write that paper.

 

posted by: monsoon at 19:20 | link | comments (1) |

i have this gargantuan psych paper due tuesday, that i should have started two weeks ago.  

 

i almost killed myself with cleaning fumes last night.  i cleaned my little nook within an inch of it's life, and didn't realize that i was stoned out of my mind off of the chemicals until i finally sat down on my freshly disinfected bed, took a deep breath, and blacked out.  but, my room is clean, and i did it without wearing a mask.  thank you very much.  ironic, that i was cleaning because of an ocd attack, and then almost killed myself with the disinfectant spray.  i took the bus to buy supplies and i sat and listened to david crowder.  i love the way people all sway together on the bus.  they pretend as if no one else exists, but it's made clear by the way we all move together like the hair of some organism, floating along together, rubbing arms and tapping each other to get past.  with this in mind, i'd like to copy my buddy randis, and post a picture.  i give you...  the N Judah.

 

posted by: monsoon at 18:59 | link | comments (5) |

my kitten died. i'm okay. really sad, but okay. it would be better if it hadn't brought on an onslaught of ocd today. if i didn't have to run scaulding water over my hands every twenty minutes. i slept three hours last night, and i meant to sleep after school, but then it just... hit. and i can't do anything but clean. does anyone know anything about ocd? is it normal for it to actually come and go? i'm almost ready to believe it's some strange form of seasonal depression. seasonal obsessive compulsive disorder. washed my entire wordrobe. have to run to the store to buy gloves and lots of disinfectants. what can you use to disinfect walls? do people think that walls just don't get dirty? i don't want to become one of those crazy looking people with ocdthat wear masks and gloves and spray everyone who get's close to them. maybe i won't get gloves. definately won't get a mask, because i know i'll end up wearing it. gloves are okay. i mean, it's not that irrational. the kitten died and i don't know why, i should clean, obviously. but, it just feels different. i know that once everything's clean, i still won't be satisfied. that's the difference. sigh.

posted by: monsoon at 18:24 | link | comments (1) |

man. okay. deep breath, monsoon. in out. in out. go to school, be up on time, catch the 29, need a book, catch the K, need to buy food, catch the N. So lonely here, in this huge, cold grey city. it gets smaller every day, but so do i, it seems. i have a kitten. her name is sushi-mow. she's roughly the size of my hand, which is small. she's sleeping now. i love her, like, nothing else. love lovelove, for my kitten that i rescued. i'm in my room here, and my roommates are in the living room with some gross friends of theirs. an old guy who asks if i have a boyfriend and i wish i could say yes, a big huge on who's going to shoot you. but i can't lie. and he looks harmless enough. i hate being a girl tonight. internet is scarce for me lately, as randis seems to have noticed. i'm having to use the house's main phone line, until mine is activated, and i just haven't had time. i probably could have made time, but, there you have it. people are so afraid here. i try to smile, all the time it seems, i'm smiling and people just stare right through me. the other night i was walking and a woman was coming towards me, and she crossed to the other side of the street when she came closer to me, then crossed back. me. maybe she couldn't tell i was a girl. it's a horrible feeling, knowing that people are afraid of you. but then, i'm sure i do that to at least one sketchy looking person every day. and it's so hard to find god here. when i'm sitting on the muni with nothing to do but try not to make eye contact with the stranger next to me, i try to feel him. i search him out, meditate with the screeching of the electric streetcar and the graffitti on the walls of the underground tunnels zipping past me. i have to grope and probe for him here. every thing is so loud all the time, i'll have to learn to hear him even when i can't find any silence. even here in my room, there's always some argument going on outside my door. some music, tv, company. he really is my only strength. my rock. i need a friend here. so... quiet. and the same, every day. i'm reading a book called 'the trouble with islam.' it's amazig. the woman writing it, she sounds just like me. it's like i'm reading my thoughts. she's muslim but it's the same thing. i want to write to her. i wish she were 18, and living down the street from me. i'd like to just, talk with her. just have a conversation. but i'm okay right now. today i went and bought manga for the first time in my life. it's interesting. if only because you have to read it backwards. i bought a kite and i'm going to walk to the beach tomorrow, and fly it. i have a kitten, and she likes me. school is great, exept that i'm dying in psychology. so this is life, right? getting there. i need bread. and milk. just a tip, soy milk is NOT real milk. should not be used as a substitute. especially in macaroni and cheese... shudder.

posted by: monsoon at 23:03 | link | comments (3) |