who cares

you can read this. i want you to.

i love bright colors lately.  i love spots of bright red and orange all over my room and in my clothing.  i like to be happy.  i like to buy flowers at the nature food store by my house, on the way back from the cafe where i study, and put them all over my room.  i like to buy things for my friends and write them random letters that are just free flowing thought.  well, one friend.

i like myself lately, and i like liking myself. 

my head.

posted by: monsoon at 00:10 | link | comments (2) |

when did i stop thinking that five dollars was a lot of money?  twenty dollars?  and, god forbid, but i'm getting there, a hundred dollars is not all that much.  i can't live off of a hundred dollars.  what's happening to me?  i have no money.  i debate whether i should go places depending on how much gas it's going to use up.

i saw a man at the gas station today from my church.  i was watching the numbers go up, the price so much faster than the gallons, anxious, trying not to make eye contact with him.  i watched him put in his card and fill up his white SUV.  i scowled at my old toyota truck.  it's tiny and dirty.  the drivers side door doesn't open because some kid hit it head on on the freeway when he spun out trying to show off.  then he sped away in his little mustang, leaving me to climb awkwardly in and out of the passenger door because there's no way i can fix it.  so i'm standing there, smelling the gasoline, scowling at this guy from my church.  he's really a nice guy.  he sings and works with the youth and everything.  but for the first time in my life i felt really bitter towards some one for having more money than me.  his birkenstock sandals and his khaki shorts.  his white SUV.  i thought about how there was no question in his mind as to whether or not, when he put that card in, he would be able to get as much gas as he needed.  i thought about how thankful i'd been earlier that day when my friend offered to loan me ten dollars, which was now being pumped into my truck.

i don't know.  it's really my own fault.  i could have more money if i weren't so lazy.  but for the first time today, i was bitter about it.

posted by: monsoon at 22:02 | link | comments |

why does it feel like i have a greater capacity for love than everyone else?  why do i love so incredibly easily?

like when that man at curch was being introduced to me and, mid hello, told me that i was annointed.  "god's presence is all around you,"  he said.  "you love deeply."  why does it feel like that was a curse, lately?  it seems that every time i even come close to letting myself show how much i care for people, i loose them.  i'm just...  too intense, as some one once told me.

sometimes i'm sitting with my friend, and i just want to stop laughing ang joking and say "okay seriously, do you know how much i love you?  do you realize that i would die for you?  if some guy walked up to us with a gun right now and said one of you is about to die, who is it, i would cover your mouth and raise my hand.  do you understand that?' 

but when i say things like that, i tend to get odd looks.  is that not normal? 

and now there's her, who i thought was different.  i thought she could handle me.  i don't know why.  but i thought, just this once, i'll just be myself.  i suppose, i overestimated her.    and i wonder, will i ever find anyone again who can handle me?  we drove for hours and then sat on the sidewalk until sunrise.  we slept in under the stars in a park and i pointed out to her all the constellations i know.  i guess...  that those things don't mean, what i thought they meant.  i guess that even when i think that i've finally found some one like me, it's just optimism.

 

 

this guy caught me, a second after i took this picture.  but he just laughed about it.  told me not to put it on the internet...  which i just now realized...  i'm doing anyway.  hopefully he won't mind.

posted by: monsoon at 21:15 | link | comments (2) |

i just watched stage beauty. and it's the best movie ever. ever.

posted by: monsoon at 17:18 | link | comments |

what do i do lately? i don't even know. i mean, i seem to be passing by time. that is, time sems to be passing, without me taking too much notice. but i don't know what i do. i don't study. i don't see anyone. i don't read or write anymore. i go to school. on the weekends i go home. i... buy a lot of coffee, and spend a lot of times in coffee shops, staring off into space, just thinking. about things i really need to get out of my head. those... things. those things that make you sit around all day thinking, so that you go to bed at night wondering what it was you did all day.

i have the soundtrack to the movie snatch,and it's amazing. it makes me want todrive. this weekend i'm going to drive with it, and i'm going to drive way to fast, and there wil most definatley be a lot of swaying and almost closing my eyes to the music, while i drive.

posted by: monsoon at 11:12 | link | comments (1) |