who cares

you can read this. i want you to.

i need to figure out how to talk to people. perhaps i'm speaking a different language? yiddish, maybe. or hungarian. not many hungarian people in these parts. i just don't connect. everyone else seems to connect. i've tried looking at things in perspective, like maybe i'm just being a dramatic teenager. we all think we're different. we don't realize that we were just statistics until it's all over. but i really am different. i really don't know any one my age who's like me. I know this because i have one friend. she's three years older than me. and that's all you really need, but this is not about wanting more friends, this is just about wanting to connect. hence. i am incapable of connection. people talk to me, and i try to be interested, try to care about the things they care about, and it just doesn't happen. i am unentertainable. i am a hardass. and people can tell when they talk to me, and it really tends to put a damper on conversation. being a hardass. sometimes i want to walk up to a complete stranger and say 'now let's you and me engage in conversation, and i'm going to seem stuck-up, but it's only because i'm a horrible conversationalist, not because i don't value your opinions and merit as a human being, so when you hear me making little apathetic grunts after everything you say, i really am trying to give feedback and show that i care about what your saying, so just try to ignore the fact that our short relationship will be completely one-sided and pretend that i am not a jerk. okay?' and then we would talk. we would laugh, we would cry, we would be moved. i met a guy once. in the mall. he was trying to pick up my friend. by the way, isn't that just depressing? not that i'm all that interested in guys, but still. that's so annoying. anyway. we met him. her type are jocks, and this guy was all skinny and ripped and a little punked out. so she was all 'hmm's and 'maybe i'll call my BOYfriend's to him, trying to get him to go away. but we were walking, and talking, making little coments about everything. i don't even know how to explain it. he was. . . witty. i guess. he was so quick and knew all the music and got all the jokes, and nothing went over his head, and it was so wonderful. he was like a breath of freash air. despite my protests my friend finally got him to take a hint and he lost interest in her. i used to have friends. i used to have a lot of friends. if i wanted to go someplace, i could call one after another, in order of relevance to wherever i wanted to go, and eventually some one would be able to. i used to talk on the phone for hours. i went to movies and had crushes on rock stars and went online just to im six people at once. i had like seventy people on my buddy list. now i have two. too much writing.

posted by: monsoon at 12:52 | link | comments |

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