who cares

you can read this. i want you to.

at church today a guy came up to me and told me i was annointed.  he looked so thrilled about it too.  i can feel gods presence all around you.  you love deeply, he said.  i mean, you don't say that to be nice.  that would be a horrible thing to do.  i was taken so off guard by it that i sort of just, i don't know.  said thanks and laughed it off.  i don't feel very annointed, that's for sure.  but i think i believe in that, being able to sense god in some people.  whether because they are so close to him or because, he just likes some people.  that's how she was, my love.  and i could feel it all around her.  she radiated with god.  despite the fact that when i met her she was angry and rebelling against him.  despite the fact that now she doesn't really consider herself a christian.  it was what made me see that he was real.  it's what made me want him.  that was what i wanted.  she still has it.  it's harder to tell now that we know each other so well.  not like when you first get to know some one and you can just tell.  but i can still tell.  like it's just deeper in her.  it's like a smell.  this connection.  but i don't know.  i don't want to get all pentacostal or anything.  but he didn't seem all pentacostal.  he was just like, hey there, how are you do- wow, you're really close to god.  sort of thing. 

i've taken it all back.  everything i was trying to give up.  my whole life.  sort of.  when i pray lately i feel so close to god.  i feel like i'm becoming closer to him even know, when i'm somehow, in a way i can't even put my finger on, pulling away from him.  like every other cell in my body is him, there's no way he's leaving.  and it's reassuring.  there's this strength that i know that i don't have.  like a friend who you ignore but know that no matter what, they'll always be there.  i mean i'm a little new age-y, a little gay, a little too in love with a lot of things of the world.  but i'm still in love with god. i know he knows that.  and i try.  and i long and i love to worship. 

posted by: monsoon at 19:06 | link | comments |

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