who cares

you can read this. i want you to.

sorry, i had kind of a stressful night yesterday.  i'm over it now though.  back to business as usual, being grateful for my detatchment from humanity. 

i had a big band concert yesterday.  end of the year.  my band director gives out awards to the seniors.  outstanding brass, woodwind, jazz, that sort of thing.  there's also a john philip souza award.  which isn't even given out every year.  it's special.  every one wants it.  i could taste it.  but i would have settled for jazz.  i mean of course i would get a trophy.  me, lead trombone, best soloist in jazz, band is my life, and all that.  i knew i'd get something.  and then he called my name.  trombone, trumpet, jazz marching concert, outstanding brass.  OUTSTANDING BRASS.  not outstanding musician, even.  and i'm smiling and every one's cheering and i hate him because i'm not good enough, i'm not the best.  i'm always the best.  i had tried so hard to not think about these awards.  i didn't want this to happen.  i didn't want expectations.  he went on announcing people, awards.  and the last one, who we knew would be the souza, all of a sudden i realized it would be chris.  chris, drumline snare captain.  and he's so nice and had been so sure that i was getting the souza, and i knew he had had absolutely no idea.  and all of a sudden i was so happy for him that i totally forgot that he was walking up to get my award.  i started a drumroll on the table for him and stood up and cheered because he deserved it.  and i learned that i'm an asshole.  i'm an extremely selfish person, if only in ways that no one can see.  i got outstanding brass.  i'm an outstanding brass player.  and i'm proud of my award. 

the award winners have their names engraved on a plaque for each award in the band room.  today i went and looked at the outstanding brass plaque and saw, above where my name would go, one other name.  it was the girl who headed the trombone section before me.  she was amazing.  could just wail on bone.  and i'm really glad my name's going under hers. 

anyway.  i'm such a band geek.  god i love it.

posted by: monsoon at 17:01 | link | comments (1) |

Comments:

#1  10 June 2005 - 06:47

 

Well I'm not a band kid, but all, and I mean all, of my friends are. Yeah, I'm sort of lonely in outdoor season. Anyway I completely felt what you just says.

poorberlinkid

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