who cares

you can read this. i want you to.

i went to the castro for the first time today.  driving down market street and i think, 'we should be getting there by now.'  i'm following them and i'm by myself in my car.  it's 9:30 at night and all of a sudden everything is bright and i see the flag.  it's huge, bigger than the american flag usually is.  it must be at least fifteen feet long, i think.  and then they're everywhere, i don't know how i missed them.  effing rainbows upon rainbows.  bars with big neon rainbow lights pointing at the doors, posters and flag and shops everywhere.  but it's the huge flag, waving a tiny bit in the night air, that looks like the statue of liberty to me.  i thought of whoever got that flag put there in the first place.  whoever pulled the rope for the first time and hoisted it up.  how enormous it must have seemed when it was still up on the ground.  now it's got to be forty feet in the air and it's lit up like everything in san francisco is at night, the reflection of the streets and the clouds. 

it takes me at least twenty minutes to park and when i get out i'm far from the noise and light o the castro.  i'm in a regular san francisco street but i can feel it's close because i see a guy couple walking in the right direction.  i remember hearing that this is the safest part of the city and as i walk i fully appreciate the truth in that.  i appreciate the absence of bums and gross old men.  there are groups of young guys in tight pants, couples and people sitting on the curb playing music for money, but they don't look like bums as much as just street performers. 

it makes me happy when i finally see another female.  a middle aged woman who smiles when she passes me.  and i get to market and castro and it's like another world.  one were everyone's gay and men apparently outnumber women fifty to one.  but i spot the huge sign for the castro theatre, which is where i'm meeting them for the gay film festival.  i get closer and can tell the people around are there for the same movie as me because they are all women.  and i've never seen so many lesbians at once in my life.  a lot of them are middle aged.  most of them are a few years older.  there are several beautiful androgenous and i try not to stare but it's hard because i've never seen anything like it.  i mean, i've seen a beautiful androgenous, but not a group of five of them.  talking and holding onto their respective femmes. 

the movie kind of sucks.  bashes christians a bit and is a little too artsy for my taste.  made worse by the fact that i don't feel like talking about it after, so i've got all my analysis bottled up inside.  we walk back to our cars and it's amazing how it just stops so suddenly, and it's the real world again.  i drive crazy on the freeway, manage to race two people and the adrenaline keeps we alert.  i blast radiohead idiotech and pretend i have some one to come to at two in the morning. 

she has a girlfriend. 

posted by: monsoon at 23:45 | link | comments (2) |

Comments:

#1  19 June 2005 - 13:58

 

CASTRO!!! And no one called me!!!!!!!! ^throws head backs and cries^
lol. joking. ^_^ miss you spiky.

mywastedheart

#2  23 June 2005 - 13:27

 

yeah, wasn't that a night? i'm glad you captured it so perfectly because i don't have the words to do that kind of thing right now. i can come here and relive the memory. although my version of it would have mentioned veronica and that i liked the movie a lot. i almost cried at the part where she's screaming at her brother, "i don't know who you are! it's not you anymore!" and he says, "it's me," and hugs her as she cries, and then starts praying over her -- that desperation she felt, i understand that completely, and i don't know that i've ever seen it expressed so well. losing the person you knew to something so huge -- this God, this all-encompassing belief system that is so powerful . . . and i've caused others to feel that too. yesterday ian and i looked through old letters i'd written to him. i sounded like a ditzy religious freak. i don't know who that person was. if that's who i was when that belief was so important to me, i don't want it. i don't trust organized religion. (i've become one of THOSE people.)

love you and miss you. i'm thinking of going public and connecting my motime blog to my personally identifying profiles online. what do you think? :)

noreia

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