who cares

you can read this. i want you to.

i'm so sick of

myself.  and everything.  i'm so empty.  so...  devoid of, that depth.  that depth that i worked so hard for and cherish so and know that so many people covet.  damn my hormones.  damn my fear of consequence and commitment.  i'm so afraid.  i realized recently that i'm a horrible person and an absolute ass to god.  i do the same stupid things over and over.  when i think i've come so far and gone through so much.  and i really havn't.  i'm really just the same idiot i was before, but listening to worship music.  reading the bible.  away from people. 

i felt filthy for the first time in my life this weekend.  completely covered in filth, dripping with it.  i've believed in god my entire life, and been a christian for almost two years, and i'd never grasped the concept of shame before god, and then grace.  and i am all over the shame thing, here.  i completely suck.  i'm stumbling along, trying to do what god wants me to do, and i cling to these huge rocks and i trip and i bash myself against every three dimensional object within sight.  i know that there is a god.  so why, in my awareness of his existance and infinite wisdon and omnipotnce, can't i just, drop it?  just, let it all slip away from me? 

i am such a loser.  but it's okay.

god friggen loves me.  i wish everyone could feel him like i can sometimes.  i wish they could feel the completeness, and then they'd recognize the absence of it they'd been living in before.  i'm not one to try and convert people.  i don't think god judges souls by whether or not i manage to get them to pray the sinners prayer or not.  but it's just so amazing.  i just want everyone to know what it can be like.  how beautiful life can be, and how perfect everything is.  and now i've lost that completness again, but i know he's there. 

'for i am convinced that neither height nor depth, neither angels nor demons, neither the past nor the present, nor anything in all of creation can seperate me from the love of god that is in christ jesus our lord.'  (or something.  that was from memory and i suck at memorization)  -paul

posted by: monsoon at 23:09 | link | comments (1) |

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#1  01 August 2005 - 07:04

 

Don't let God make you feel sucky. He owes you more than you owe him.

Randis

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