who cares

you can read this. i want you to.

So.

Here I am again. Hello.

posted by: monsoon at 18:19 | link | comments (3) |

Today is my seventh anniversary with my lovely Beth.


And... She has to work all day.


And when I say all day, I mean from 5am to 10pm, with an hour break between her two jobs. Meanwhile i sit here, at home, being lazy and generally unproductive.



But, here's the thing.


So Christmas is coming, and I've been working on this song for her, for Christmas. I mean, I'm getting her presents and everything. But now I've written this song. Because, well, I've never told her that I love her.

I do love her.


And that's what this song says.





And she, well, she's just not the feeling baring type. I am, and the only way i managed to go seven months without telling her that i love her is by filling my mind with visions of the horrified look on her face I'd get when I told her that I love her. That I have fantasies of us living in a sunny little flat in the city, me going to SF State, her going to Le Cordon Bleu downtown, and once a week or so we would go have dinner at pizza orgasmica or play the newest ps2 games at the Metreon.


So, I wrote her this song. And I hope, against hope, that I'll be able to sing it for her. I've never played a song for her that I've written, and I've never sang for her, not really sang. Not unless I was joking around. But I believe that she loves me.


Sigh... I'll go work on that.

posted by: monsoon at 08:29 | link | comments (2) |

Yey for Voting!

posted by: monsoon at 00:32 | link | comments |

Bach's Cello Suites

I think iTunes makes it too easy to buy music.

Way. Way. Too easy.

But, on the other hand, I now own Bach's complete unaccompanied cello suites by Yo-Yo Ma. And several hard-to-get Damien Rice tracks, including his version of Pink's "Get the Party Started," which is, as you can imagine, absolutely priceless.

I've been trying to exercise, is the thing. I'm way too out of shape, and too worried about upsetting my recent surgery wound to do too much, but with my girlfriend's new job, I've been walking during the weekdays for an hour or so. So, naturally... I... needed some books on tape. And also some Bach. And Damien Rice covering Pink.

I'm a simple girl with simple needs, what can I say.
,br> I've tried many times in my life to exercise, and this is the first time I ever have, for more than two days in a go, anyway. I think it's because first, I wanted to be thinner, and look nicer. Which I quickly learned that I didn't actually care much about. Then I wanted to be healthy. Didn't care about how I looked, but wanted to feel healthy, and be healthy. And again, it didn't really motivate me.

And then I realized recently that I can't expect to have any control over my mind and spirit unless I have control of my body.

(Here I should intercede that I am a rediculously spiritual person. Ex-Cxhristian, Pre-Buddhist/Jesus-researcher, and I constantly seem to be surrounded by questions and never, in my entire life have I ever seen an answer. I spent my life snuggling up at night with answer-imposter's, and I recently realized that I have actually never seen an answer in my entire life, because answers do not exist. Only questions. At first this thought scared me, I became severely manic and anxiety-ridden, but then realized thaty a little good ol' fashioned agnosticism is healthy. I digress.)

If I have one thing in the entire universe under my control, one thing among all the millions of things that I WISH I could control, why then don't I put even the slightest effort into controlling it? My body is my domain, my temple, my place of reign in this world. How can I poissibly be able to have control of my cognitive processes if I can't first control my body?

I mean, am I on my own? Doesn't it make sense that you're body would come first? Just like, what's that guys name? Was it Mavlow who had the hierarchy of needs? Well, your body comes first in that as well. Maybe it's impossible to to do something to you mind that you aren't first able to do to you're body.

posted by: monsoon at 01:52 | link | comments |

Goop.

I was busying myself looking up random words in mo'time blogs like goop and hyena, and eventaully looked up lesbian, when I found that there doesn't seem to be a single lesbian on mo'time.

At least, not any that have written the word "lesbian," recently.

Now that I think about it... it's not like i ever write the word lesbian. Maybe my theory is flawed?

Hm.



Maybe... that's for the best?

If there was a lesbian here, I would be all excited and think hey, you're a lesbian, I'm a lesbian, let's be lesbian friends and talk about lesbian things like Ani Difranco and The L Word and... you know. Girls.

And she'd be like, I'm... starting a new blog and not telling you where it is. Weirdo.

Like I said. For the best.

I'm going to sleep now.

posted by: monsoon at 23:02 | link | comments (1) |

Insomnia.

I hate not being able to sleep. It freaks me out, a bit.

I read a story once, about a woman who had insomnia, and one night, she simply didn't fall asleep at all, and wasn't tired. You know, in that passed tired kind of way, where you can't sleep even though you're exhausted, like I am now. Anyway, she doesn't fall asleep, and the next night, doesn't fall asleep, and just, never sleeps again. Ever. But she would pretend to sleep. She'd go to bed with her husband and pretend to fall asleep, but then get up and read all night.

And she relished in her time alone, which was why she could never tell anyone about it.

And I'm always afraid that that would happen.

And usually, there's something that keeps flashing through my brain. particularly if it's some video game that I've been playing such as the Sims, which is why I wasn't able to get to sleep in the first place, which it was.

I try to sleep, and I just keep seeing them, doing their Sim-type things.

I just want to fall asleep now. It's 2:09 am, and I have class at eight, I have to leave at seven, meaning I have to wake up at six, because I didn't do my lab work that I need done tomorrow morning, becaue I was to involved in playing the Sims.

So wish me luck. Good night.

posted by: monsoon at 02:11 | link | comments |

Little Miss Sunshine.

Yesterday was our fifth anniversary, and my mom asked us to go see Little Miss Sunshine with her. Luckily mine is a relationship in which that is all gravy, because we like my mom.

And Little Miss Sunshine was absolutely awesome. It wasn't hilarious, but all six of the other people in the theater were heaving in laughter with us for twenty minute intervals. It was artsy in a middle adged way and raspy, but in a visual way, and funny, but in the way that things are actually funny in real life.

I will never own a VW van. I have come to grips with this.

posted by: monsoon at 17:40 | link | comments |

Yes.



I'm in Portland, and there are so many bridges here, it make my mind swell.

Tata.

posted by: monsoon at 20:42 | link | comments |

I am so tired, and so awake. Lately, the thought of sleep is somehow frightening... Am I afraid... that I won't be able to fall asleep? Is that it? I think, possibly perhaps.

Wait, watch this guy: (I hope this works)



I think I'm a sucker for inaudible lyrics. And guys singing all high-pitched and squeeky, I don't know... There's definately something romantic and oddly manly about that.

Anyway. Sleep continues to elude me, so here I am. Blogging. Which I haven't done in a while because no one really reads this so what's the point. Blogging is like my back up for when I don't have a girlfriend to yenkle at(I just made that word up).It seems I blog all the time when I just don't have any one else to really talk to.

Is that a bit sad?

I... I'm tired. Good night.

posted by: monsoon at 03:32 | link | comments (1) |

I've decided, since motime has been updated and I can now wrote here again, to... write here again. This to Randis, who is pretty much the only person who reads my blog anyway. It's nice to have my name back. monsoon.

posted by: monsoon at 13:29 | link | comments |